She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize