it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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