Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
