I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
