His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
