Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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