i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
