if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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