I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
