so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize