Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
