Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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