I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
