if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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