you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
