nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize