I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
