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My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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