He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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