I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm at about main and main street
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
