is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
