Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
