dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
