Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
