Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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