the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
