you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
