I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize