my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
