He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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