On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
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