I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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