i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
