I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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