i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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