I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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