I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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