it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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