So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
