And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
