Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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