i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
