In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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