I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
