It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
