peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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