Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My dick has a subreddit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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