Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
