She is in my trunk
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
