My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize