you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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