Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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