batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
