plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
