she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize