I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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