I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
