look no pants
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
