Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Randomize
