i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
we should paint friendship bongs
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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