i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
