So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize