I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
