Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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