I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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