so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
