Pants 0. Shit 1.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
