apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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