I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
