He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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