News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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